My Two-Cents: Rockefeller

Here are five things I think Rockefeller, the OG monopoly guy, would be up to if he were here now. 

1. Bird Monopoly. If Rockefeller was around today, he would start a monopoly on neighborhood birds. He would put up his birdfeeder, and sit out on his porch and drink his morning coffee to the sound of the birds, ONLY eating from his bird feeder. Being the cut-throat motherfucker he is, he would also invest in a pellet gun and shoot down all neighboring bird feeders. Those of you who say there are more than enough birds to go around, or the more the merrier, or something along the lines of that bullshit – you have been brainwashed by your oligarchy counterparts. Take back the reigns, invest in a bird feeder, invest in a pellet gun, and invest in your morning happiness as you sit outside and watch the plethora of neighborhood birds flock to your feeder and your feeder only. It’s going to be a bird monopoly summer.
2. GoGo Squeeze Monopoly. If Rockefeller was standing here today, he would drop his oil fetish in favor of a much more playful one. GoGo Squeezes don’t get the credit they deserve, and they are the unsung hero of my lunchbox.
3. Social Media. I think Rockefeller would totally – Oh shit, Mark Zuckerberg already beat him to this one. Maybe he would actually stay away from this one. 
4. Salsa. Let’s clarify – not all salsas are made equally. Some salsas are good, some are bad, and some (but very few) are great. If John was around today, I think he would invest in finding the best Salsa on the market and producing it to mass scale to take out its below-par salsa counterparts. This is the salsa I think he would monopolize: Walmart Fresh Cravings Medium Salsa
5. Dirty-Shirleys Monopoly. Last summer, the NYT declared this the drink of the summer. I’m announcing it’s here to stay. Forever. And Rockefeller would agree; there’s nothing better after a hard day's work of controlling 90% of America’s oil industry than a Dirty, Slutty, Skanky Shirley. He would be monopolizing it to the brim, all straws on board.