My Two-Cents: Ha Ha Ha
What is the purpose of life? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. But if I did, I would say it is to laugh. After all, laughter is the best medicine. I posted about weekly bits prior, but it’s been a minute -- so I thought I would update with some current bits I’ve been running into the sunset with. Because after all, the world is a better place with laughter, and laughter comes from good (and horrendously bad) bits.
- Negative self talk? Cut that shit out. Say I am the mean, median, AND mode. I am statistically significant. (You are actually not.) But by saying this, people will think you are smart AND good at math.
- I’m on sabbatical. This is my new “no” response to why I can’t come. This, or Sorry I can’t! I really wish I could, it’s just that I don’t want to.
- When someone talks about the “process,” make sure you let them know that Rome wasn’t built in one day but there was probably one day where they were like this shit is really coming together now.
- Judge people by their NYT-game ability. ALWAYS. I don’t care what your therapist says, your connections score IS a direct reflection of your self-worth.
- When you are about to lose an argument, instead of throwing the flag, use one of these options instead. 1) Say I’m playing the long game and walk away mysteriously. 2) If you are already crying because you handle confrontation poorly, it is probably too late for the former so your next option is to say I’m only crying because of how wrong you are! And then storm away in a dramatic fury. You are sure to win with this one.
- I’m not even going for bronze. is a good one to say to let your competition know you have completely dropped out of the race
- When someone sucks at their job, say Heavy lies the head that wears the crown. The goal with this one is they get an amped-up ego that finally gets them fired and someone actually adept replaces them and you don’t have to work with idiots anymore.
- When asked about your dream job – answer with retired. This is what my 13-year-old brother tells everyone and it seems to be working.
- All this work for what, a fucking jingle bell? This is what I took away from the Polar Express, and something I say in my head a lot.
- You’re outkicking your coverage is a nice one to put someone in their place
- The shallowest person in the room manages to drain the pool a bit more, and The ____ pool is now more of a shallow puddle. I just really enjoy swimming pool analogies.
- Time to clock back in at the dream factory. Man, I just love this one. Tone is where you sell it.
- Well, that did not happen but I am delighted the rumor exists. It’s true, I do really love rumors.
