My Two-Cents: Ra Ra Rock
Today, I stumbled upon an epiphany while listening to Billy Joel – whatever answers you seek, you can probably find in a rock song. If your local guidance counselor is busy and booked, you need not fret. Look in the way of the Lord. The Lord, in this case, being your local Spotify. (If you use Apple Music you are a heathen who deserves to be ostracized. And if that wasn’t dramatic enough, let me add that I will also spit on your corpse).
Need a pick-me-up? Let me shove you in the direction of Lynard Skynard’s Free Bird Riff. Get arrested? Say “Your honor, in my defense, the Free Bird riff was playing.” All charges will be dropped on the spot. You are not responsible for your actions when the Free Bird riff is playing. RIP Gary Rossington.
Need aspiration to chase your dreams? Have no fear, Aerosmith is here. Dream On!
Confused on what you are? About who you are? You're an American (motherfucking) Band! Quene We’re An American Band. Thank you Grand Funk Railroad. But I did say more cowbell? I have a fever, and the only prescription is more Cowbell.
On the run? At the gym, or from authority? Quene Runnin’ Down a Dream. RIP Tom Petty.
Lost? Perhaps you’re Free Fallin? Quene Tom Petty, RIP part two.
Lost track of all potential career aspects? Thinking you want to drop out of school and pursue self-engineering. (I would heavily advise against this, but you do you man. I think it only works when Robert Downey Jr. tries it.) Quene Black Sabbath, Iron Man.
Tired but you need to stay up and last minute cram for that exam? No Sleep Till Brooklyn Baby. Beastie Boys are always on vacation.
Is there a monkey on the loose in your house? What do you do? Brass Monkey. That funky monkey. Then call animal control.
About to turn 18? How exciting! Sounds like you’re singing… Edge of Seventeen. All hail queen Stevie.
Want to quit your job? It’s time to Surrender. Cheap Trick said so.
About to fail your History 101 exam? About to light your study guide on fire – go ahead. But just remember, We Didn’t Start the Fire! And thanks, Billy Joel.
Not sure how you should ask for your burger at your local dine-in restaurant? We all struggle with this here and there – do I want medium, or medium rare? A conundrum. Unless you remember the wise words of Journey and you’ll have your answer – Any Way You Want it!
Were you a naughty little harlet who missed Sunday mass? Have you tried Livin’ On a Prayer? I heard Bon Jovi missed a couple of Sunday masses as well.
Mad at the World? Have you tried Shouting at The Devil? Nikki Sixx said that would work just fine.
Did someone just hurl a boomerang at you? Van Halen says to Jump. And then Jump again because boomerangs are nasty little things that won’t leave you alone. Kind of like the IRS.
At your piano recital and you fret and forget your solo? Piano Man to the rescue. For a guy who calls himself the Piano man, he never shuts the fuck up on the harmonica. Much like me at Char Bar on Ddays. Good thing my roommates hid my harmonica after that. Gabi, Skyler, Mallory – I want it back now!
Making a reappearance into the social scene after a brief hiatus – as Elton John says, The Bitch Is Back!
Missed Sunday mass again? Or every Sunday for the past 2 years? Join AC/DC (and me) on the Highway to Hell.
Just had a kid? Oh, Sweet Child O’Mine. And then maybe name your sweet child Slash, after Guns N’ Roses.
You come home from work and all your immediate family and close friends have staged an intervention and want you to go to rehab? First of all, everyone knows that this is only okay to do in movies, like The Hangover. Alan needs to go to rehab when he decapitates a giraffe. But you are just on the Crazy Train! And Ozzy Osbourne says that’s completely okay.
