My Two-Cents: Commit to the Bit

I would say happy new year, but the annual deadline has passed – the unspoken, unanimous rule should be that January second is the last day to wish the new year well unto another. In contrast, there’s one thing that never has a deadline or expiration date: a good bit. 

In its essence, a bit is just an exaggerated dad joke. Or a quote from a movie or skit. Or an inside joke that you could still explain to someone else. Chances are, without noticing, you already do some bits of your own. For example, pointing to someone as you leave a bar and remarking “you’re in charge till I get back,” or calling everyone Jimmy at Jimmy Johns. Thanks for that beach club, Jimmy. 

What sets a bit apart from your run-of-the-mill bad joke is commitment – you must Commit. To. The. Bit. Against all odds – and those who don’t want your bit to succeed. And judging by the crowd response from most of my bits, it’s a lot. But a great bit doesn’t rely on crowd-pleasing – it feeds its appetite from the continual jubilation and laughter it gives you. Here’s a personal example: I have religiously watched Thor-Ragnorok – and sometimes, when I walk into a place, I quote Loki walking into the ending battle scene saying “Your savior has arrived!” in my Loki voice. Or when someone asks why I would do something, I reply “Because that’s what heroes do,” in my Thor's voice, and then proceed to pretend to throw my invisible hammer against the wall and have it come back and hit me in the face. And both of these jokes are so horrible that they almost never land, but I keep doing them because I find them fucking hilarious. A good bit always makes you chuckle. And here and there, it makes a couple clever others chuckle as well. 

You don’t always create bits, sometimes they create themselves. And then they seep into your day-to-day life and become part of you. You hear a good bit and assimilate it into your life to spice it up. It's your own personal comic relief. The internal laugh track inside your own head. Honest to god, nothing makes me happier than when the opportunity arises to spit a good bit. Or hearing a good bit from someone else. Bits make the world go round! I’ve grabbed a lot of mine from movie quotes and comedy skits. I’ve also heard quite a few from others and acquired them to my bit-vocab. Here’s some inspiration if you're interested in becoming committed to the bit. 

1. When someone asks you to call their phone for them, actually call their phone for them. Start yelling ____’s PHONE! _____ PHONE!
2. That’s what she said. A classic, duh.
3. Whenever a popular song comes on, say oh my god is this a new band? What are they called, I’ve never heard them before.
4. Telling people that you only know how to read at a 4th-grade level when they ask you if you saw something in the news. 
5. Whenever a song starts playing, say oh my god, that’s me singing!
6. Saying “You wouldn’t know him, he’s a friend from work!” when someone asks who (this is another Thor-Ragnorok quote I use).
7. Whenever someone gives you the price of something – ex: $19.84 – reply ahh, 1984, a great year. 
8. “You're so petty. Tom petty.” I heard this one in Modern Family and cackled. 
9. Making people explain well-known references to you. This one is a bit-dickish, but if it floats your boat, sail.
10. Quoting the Titanic, “Your money can’t save you anymore than it can save me!” in reply whenever someone says they’ll Venmo you if you pay for them. Must be with an aggressive accent to really sell the bit.
11. Whenever someone says they have that shirt, reply “me too!”
12. Giving people celebrity look-alikes at the bars that actually look nothing alike. Then remarking “the resemblance is uncanny!”
13.  Say “As Kevin Durrant would say, hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard,” while doing a task that requires no talent or hard work. 
14. Yelling Strength or Weakness really loud when someone states something that they did. You must yell for this bit to be effective. For example:

Person A: I got fired today.

You: WEAKNESS!

Person A: I bought a puppy today.

You: STRENGTH!

1. Whenever someone is mean to you, reply – “You’re going to be mean to me on my birthday?” and then when they ask if it’s your birthday, say no. 
2.  Whenever someone gives you their name, reply – “That’s my name too!” and then when they say really, answer no. 
3.  Calling places the Maui of the ____. For example, I live in Lincoln NE, the Maui of the Midwest! Not really.
4.  The failsafe of all bits – if no one laughs, just remark “tough crowd” and sigh.
5.  But if one person laughs… point him out and say “this guy gets it!”.

With the new year, I really hope people scratch all those shitty self-improvement goals and instead decide to commit to the bit! Build your own internal laugh track. 

And if you have any of your own bits you find hilarious, comment and share them!

Sincerely & Committed to the Bit,

Kate Thorstenson