My Two-Cents: Presidency for Dummies
IMPORTANT INVOICE!
URGENT!
You have just been offered the job as the President of the United States of America:
Chill out and RELAX – this job does not require much work. If you make a mistake, somebody else will be there to clean up your mess. You are merely a face, a scapegoat if you will. Take a hiatus, play some golf, and figure yourself out.
Show up to work when you feel like it. You should really try to be eloquent and taciturn in your speech, but if you feel like saying something stupid, go for it. Every once in a while, you should visit a children’s home, nursing home, or football stadium, purely to feign the notion that you “care” about what's going on (even though you don’t).
Your only goal is to ensure that the economy is functioning well. Sure, it typically takes years to see legitimate results, but that doesn’t matter. People want results NOW. You should pass as many economic policies as possible, regardless of their long-term effect on the average citizen.
In order to ensure that you are getting the correct information, you will elect a board of advisors to advise you. Obviously, you don’t want diversity of thought in your cabinet, and you should only hire the people that corroborate your pre-existing notions. By doing this, you can perpetuate your political thought (not that you even need to be completely sure what that is) and give the voters what they want.
Your metrics for success will be two-fold:
How many immigrants are being let into the country?
How well is the economy doing?
In order to ensure that you are doing your job right, you’re going to need to take numerous business trips. You should visit every foreign leader as many times as possible. To do this, you will have your own helicopter. Despite having a small family, you will live in the White House because everybody knows that red and blue is too 1775.
The great thing about this job is that there are NO prerequisites. As long as you are thirty-five – and American born – you can snag the gig. An ex-convict? Not a problem. A political radicalist? Even better! Hit your kids? I’m sure society will look past it if you throw enough money into Domestic Assult Non-profits.
With elections coming up, I really think it’s a great time to think about who you want to receive this letter. Believe it or not, you have a tiny bit of say in its mailing address. Vote! Though casting a ballet for change has a numerical probability similar to that of buying a lottery ticket, you should still do it. Seriously. If you don’t vote, you are not doing anything to prevent this letter from going to another dipshit that you have to hear about on Twitter for the next four years. And if you are still not sold on the idea of casting your ballet, look at is this way: If you vote, you now get the right to complain! And who doesn’t love to complain. But if you don’t vote, your complain-pass is revoked. And now you have to shut the fuck up and choke down this letter in all its glory until the next round of polls.
Insincerest Regards,
Kate
