My Two-Cents: Small Talk is Overrated
As of late, I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate small talk. It’s meaningless and surface-level as fuck. Not to mention, we probably had the exact same conversation last weekend. My passionate hatred stems from the fact that when you ask me how I’m doing, you don’t actually want to know how I’m doing. And honestly, that’s okay because I probably don’t care how you're doing either. Or do I? Nope. But should I? Maybe.
Now that I’ve addressed the problem – the societal norm of surface-level chatter – I suppose I should propose a solution. Let’s make small talk fun! But first, one rule needs to be in place. If you don’t actually want to dive into a deep conversation and divulge your deepest, darkest, juiciest secrets, don’t engage to begin with. No offense will be taken when we collide in an encounter and you simply ignore me.
If you're still reading, I assume you are at least the slightest bit interested in my grand proposal. So I'll begin. My small-talk-yassification master plan requires you to do some thinking. Ugh, thinking. Gross. Thinking is often voided in pre-yassifyed-small talk, so if this idea is unappealing to you, feel free to stop right here.
Alright, you’re still reading! Let the thinking begin: Phase 1 of small-talk-yassification is in the works. What type of interesting things do you actually want to know about me? Brainstorming time. If I could be any dinosaur, what could I be? What are my thoughts on reincarnation? What kind of pizza would I say associates with my personality best? What Harry Potter house am I? (Gryffindor, in case anyone was wondering.) Do your think Shrek-ever-after is better than Shrek 2? Why isn’t Shrek 3 on Netflix? (Believe me, I ask myself this question every day). Do you think the Oxford comma is necessary (Yes, I will swear by it till the day I die.) All of these questions are thought-provoking and would garner my attention – and yours – much more than the fucking weather or your new shoes. Additionally, all of these questions cross zero boundaries and are drama-free! If that’s what you're looking for…
Phase 2 of small talk is for those wanting to take the next step. Now that we’ve skipped the how are you garbage and divulged our top-3-favorite marvel movies (or whatever other actually interesting questions you came up with), we can begin the drama! If drama’s not your cup up tea, feel free to keep the Harry Potter trivia from phase-1 going. However, if your life is as lame as mine and you love to gossip, step right ahead. You hate your brother? Tell me more! You’re failing all your classes and are thinking about dropping out and moving to Alaska? That's cool as fuck! Your secret is safe with me (probably not). Your dad is laundering money for the top-ranked Mexican drug cartel? Now you're just spitting the plotline of Ozarks, but I’ll go with it!
Now that we’ve disclosed our dirtiest secrets on top of our top-10 favorite Kanye songs, we need to tie up a couple of loose ends of my small-talk-yassification protocol. First, let us remember that phases 1 and 2 will only work if both parties actually want to have a conversation. If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t. No judgment will be made! Second, let us remember to take all of our conversational discoveries with a grain of salt. Each party is free to “spice up” their stories and lives to a degree to which they may not be 100% truthful. Because honestly, my life is pretty fucking boring and I’m sure yours is too. I am totally okay with you wanting to add some sparkle, or even just flat-out lie. Let’s make our conversation worthwhile. Let's step up our small talk once and for all.
